2. Outnumbered Heroes
Exhausted to tears by Friends reruns, you begin flipping through channels and move quickly over the channel which gets your attention. You see alien ships circling a solitary spaceship, something smooth and white, similar to a starship, or perhaps something mean and practical, similar to my most loved Battlestar. Furthermore, you realize the heroes are outnumbered 4 to 1. What will happen?
Star Trek: Voyager: Still mumbling about bullies, Janeway plops down in her chair and calls, “Battle stations!” The ship rocks violently every 40 seconds or so, because the aliens are actually pretty nice and want to give her time to discuss the problem with her bridge crew. Chakotay tries to convince her to turn back, but Janeway is determined to get everyone home and that means crossing a few borders and pis*ing off aliens. Tuvok raises an eyebrow while firing phasers, which have an annoyingly synthesized whine. If you listen carefully, the phaser-sound is actually whispering “awful” through your TV speakers. Wisely, the camera crew makes sure to give us a shot of Seven of Nine’s a*s to keep us from changing the channel.
Finally, Paris recommends they set their torpedoes to maximum yield and Janeway barks, “Do it!” This allows Voyager to escape while the alien’s engines are disabled. No one is hurt on either side, so no big deal. Wow, that was close, huh?
B’lana yells at Paris for leaving the seat on their star-toilet up again. Janeway complains that Chuckles-worth isn’t supportive enough, then goes to Harry Kim’s room and sits there quietly until the little kid cries himself to sleep. Pretty much the same old stuff. Credits roll. We feel bored and empty. Is it bed time yet?
The new Battlestar Galactica: The Galactica launches Vipers in a desperate attempt to provide covering fire for the civilian fleet. The tiny ships burst from the battlestar’s launch tubes under a hail of Cylon weapon’s fire while raiders swoop in and attack. The boom and bellow of Galactica’s cannons thin out the enemy ships, but a few Cylon nukes manage to take out a handful of civilian ships. Apollo wishes he could do something to help, but he quit being a Viper pilot to join the Quorum of Twelve. He wonders if he made the right choice. Meanwhile, Baltar sees visions of Six bouncing up and down on his man-shlong as she tries to keep him from hurting himself out of sheer panic. Starbuck saves the fleet with one leg tied behind her back while smoking three cigars. But not before a heavy Cylon raider crashes into Galactica and a boarding party tries to kill President Roslin. Stands With A Fist outsmarts them and blows them out an airlock before they can shoot. Finally, the civies start bugging out right as four more Cylon baseships jump into the fray. Tigh gives the order to follow them, but not before he shoots Adama in the back because he’s a Cylon double agent! Nooooo! Adama’s life is saved, but now he’s a cripple. With him and Tigh out of the picture, Apollo has to return to active duty and lead the fleet to Earth. Baltar gets laid again.
We find out that Richard Hatch was actually God all along and that Dirk Benedict was just an impostor. Everything we thought we knew about the Galactica universe is turned upside down. We have to wait until next week to find out the rest. I can hardly wait…